Control Freak

I will openly admit I am a control freak. I think it is part genetic and part learn. In all of the wedding planning I am realizing how bad it truly is. However, it has been such a blessing to literally have no idea what is going on for my bachelorette party and shower. I know the days and I sent this lists of who to invite. That is ALL i know. It is a huge struggle for me, but it has also been incredibly fun because I don't have to stress about it! So for today I am going to try not to control too much and enjoy what everyone keeps telling me will be the best time of my life! I just love being reminded of how truly blessed I am! :)

Venting

In the past few days I have been feeling slightly frustrated. I know there are people who don't support me getting married. I think that everyone is entitled to their opinion  but when it comes to my relationship with the love of my life they don't know what happens. There are two people in a relationship and only they know what it is about. I very much appreciate the concern, but I also don't appreciate people doubting my decision. I get where everyone is coming from, but I need people to stop and minute and see where I am coming from.
Marriage is once in a lifetime to me. I don't jump into this lightly, but there is no doubt in my mind that this is the person I am meant to be with. Yes we have a story, that some make shake their head at. At the end of the day our past, collective and individually, is what made us the people we are today.  People who love each other unconditionally. No our relationship isn't easy (mostly just the distance). We are well past the honeymoon stage of things. While most people think we rushed this, I think it is something that has taken a long time to get there. For the past nine years we have had a mutual attraction, but it took us dating other people and growing on our own to find our way to be with each  other.
So while people on the outside can speculate all they want they don't know what our relationship is like and until you stop and ask you don't really have a valid say.
I know this isn't the most uplifting of things, but it is becoming a burden to feel like i have to make people happy with this decision. Today I talked to a dear friend and she told me I have to start with myself. I truly think if I stop worrying about making everyone else happy they will see the happiness from me. I am the one living with this decision and I can't be any happier with who I get to spend everyday for the rest of my life with. :)
Thanks for letting me vent.

Everybody's two cents

While I cannot complain about being engaged and 95% of the time I love it (stress and all).  That other 5% of the time I am getting everybody's two cents. I appreciate most of it and understand it comes from a place of love and protective nature.  I am totally grateful that I have so many people in my corner to look out for me. But like everything else there is that negative vibe people give off. A girl I work with doesn't like that I didn't get the big ring. She said she wouldn't say yes unless there was a big proposal and a big ring. To each their own, but I also feel quite sorry for her. To me it isn't about the ring, but what it stands for. Whether it be a ring from a gum machine or the most fabulously expensive ring in the world (which most people don't wear in public), it comes down to what the ring stands for. I have a ring, that to many maybe be cheap, but to me means the world. I would be devastated if something ever happened to it. It is a symbol of our love and commitment, not about wealth or status. While yes I would love a sparkly ring, right now this ring is perfect.  We want to be able to enjoy one another before starting a family and I'd choose being with him over having a ring. Some day I will get a new one. It may be in two years, it may be in 50 years. That isn't what is important. It's about the relationship.

I do have to add that I have been so blessed with the overwhelming amount of help people offer. Almost everyone we know and have talked to about the wedding have offered to help! It's amazing and I have a fiance who has an opinion (that is a double edged sword). It has been quite a humbling experience to see people you don't talk to much at all want to help in the biggest day in our lives thus far!

So thanks to everyone's love and support, we appreciate it so very much!

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Founder

This quote may sound cliche but I find it very true to my life.  I have been so lucky to find a man I love with all my heart. He is funny, sweet, and has a big heart (I could continue with the list).   He constantly drives me crazy, but the second he is gone all I want is for him to drive me crazy.  We spent the last two weeks together and just said bye.  Man do I miss him like crazy.  I came home to watch The Bachelor and all I want is to have his annoying comments driving me up a wall.
I am used to us being apart because he is a Marine and isn't stationed here.  I don't think we have gone more than 6 weeks without seeing each other and I can't say it is too bad.  But the shorter he is gone the more I miss him.  He will only be gone for 9 days and I am already counting down the days until I see him again. But I will continue to watch The Bachelor and await the day he comes back!

I do?

I have been having an internal battle for the last couple weeks and my best friend's wedding a few months ago solidified my feelings. It was such a privileged to be a part of their big day. I have watched their relationship blossom into what is now a marriage.  I could not pick someone better suited for my best friend.

In the last few weeks I have watched people start new relationships that have become hot and heavy pretty quick.  I think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, but for me it is not what I want. I have been in relationships where there has been talk of marriage and as I get older it has become something I do with caution. I believe marriage is a once in a lifetime thing (with rare exceptions). My intention is getting married is to only get married once. It seems now days that marriage is not taken seriously enough. God's plan for marriage is very different than what society tells us it is. I have developed a (probably unhealthy) fear of marriage. I think a fear of marriage to an extent is a good thing.  I think marriage is a serious and wonderful blessing from God.  People all too quickly think if this doesn't work I can always get a divorce. That is not an option to me.  If I make a promise to someone I keep it. I also believe if you love someone enough to marry them, you find someone to make it work. I would move mountains to save my marriage. I know there are many people who think that counselling is a bad thing. I, however, do not, as I have had to go myself. I think God blesses us with people to advise us (whether it be in the bible, friends or outside council). I know that God has a plan and will look out for you. It is not in his plan to fail, but to know when something is bigger than ourselves and when we need help.  A pastor at our church reminds us that our kids are not our own, but his. I think that this is somewhat true for marriage too. God does not want to see us fail, but to see us trust in him. I will not go into marriage blindly. I know it will be hard and something that requires constant work from both parties, but i think keeping a marriage alive is doable.

My grandparents have been married over 50 years, my aunt and uncle have been married over 30 years and my parents over 25 years. In today's society 25 years is an eternity. I hate to break it to you, but it really isn't. I know they have all had their struggles, but in the end they have found a way to keep their marriage alive and are all happily married right now.

A friend and i were talking about being married for 50 years and how great it will be to grow old with someone. I look forward to having someone by my side for the rest of my life.

Reflection

I don't know if it is just that time of year or what, but today I read through some of my old blog posts. I am sad to say I am still the same old me. (I may have crossed a few things off my bucket list, but that is about it) I hate to say it, but I am not sure I will ever get better at taking time for me.  The one thing my boyfriend ever gets mad at me for is that I don't do things for myself. He sees me work so much that I really don't have a ton of time for myself. I am not one that usually needs much me time, but I may have gone without it for so long I don't remember what it is like. I have found ways to do things for other people and do things I love at the same time. I am notorious for making Christmas presents and this year was no exception. I finished wrapping them last night at 10pm. I also get to help my friend, who is getting married in June. I do not get to help with that day to day wedding planning, but I have been able to help make signs and other crafts. Miss Molly and I are attempting to read books together. (we tried to start a book club a while back and it didn't turn out to well for us)  I can say that in the past week or so I have started and finished 3 books. I love finding a good book; it has sparked my love for reading again.
I have also been better about going to church. There have been a few weekends that I have been out of town, but that has been the only reason I missed that. I am sad to say that I have been working too much and have not gone to small group. I can tell this has been affecting me.  I so badly desire to have that again and I am looking forward to the start of the new year. The past couple months have been very trying for me and I think the next few will continue to be. I am determined to start reading my bible more and getting back in the word. It seems to help put your life in perspective.
So here is to a new leaf. (I am not about new years resolutions...as you can see I do not hold them up well at all). However, I am not opposed to trying to change, whether it be new years day or any day of the year. I usually try around my birthday because that is my new year. So today is just as good as any other day!

Busy Body

So I know it has been a while.  This summer has been super crazy. I did actually get to take a vacation, which was a total blast.  The family I nanny for took me to Catalina Island.  The kids were awesome and made the trip fun for their mom and me. I have had friends come in and out of town and that has to be my favorite part of the summer thus far.  I had girls weekend this past weekend and it was so nice to get away for a few days and not worry about the million things that I need to get done in 2 seconds.  This upcoming weekend I am off to California for my best friend’s wedding! I am not only excited to get to be a part of their big day and to witness them starting a life together; I also get to spend 3 days with my most dear friends! It isn’t very often we are all together and to have a 2 and 3 night sleep over with them is going to be wonderful!!

 I am feeling very blessed through the all of stress and rain storm that’s been pouring through my life.  I know it will be funny looking back at how much I stressed and worried about all the things that have happened the last week or so. I will spare all the details, but it was just one thing after another.  Praying another thing doesn’t happen today J