I do?

I have been having an internal battle for the last couple weeks and my best friend's wedding a few months ago solidified my feelings. It was such a privileged to be a part of their big day. I have watched their relationship blossom into what is now a marriage.  I could not pick someone better suited for my best friend.

In the last few weeks I have watched people start new relationships that have become hot and heavy pretty quick.  I think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, but for me it is not what I want. I have been in relationships where there has been talk of marriage and as I get older it has become something I do with caution. I believe marriage is a once in a lifetime thing (with rare exceptions). My intention is getting married is to only get married once. It seems now days that marriage is not taken seriously enough. God's plan for marriage is very different than what society tells us it is. I have developed a (probably unhealthy) fear of marriage. I think a fear of marriage to an extent is a good thing.  I think marriage is a serious and wonderful blessing from God.  People all too quickly think if this doesn't work I can always get a divorce. That is not an option to me.  If I make a promise to someone I keep it. I also believe if you love someone enough to marry them, you find someone to make it work. I would move mountains to save my marriage. I know there are many people who think that counselling is a bad thing. I, however, do not, as I have had to go myself. I think God blesses us with people to advise us (whether it be in the bible, friends or outside council). I know that God has a plan and will look out for you. It is not in his plan to fail, but to know when something is bigger than ourselves and when we need help.  A pastor at our church reminds us that our kids are not our own, but his. I think that this is somewhat true for marriage too. God does not want to see us fail, but to see us trust in him. I will not go into marriage blindly. I know it will be hard and something that requires constant work from both parties, but i think keeping a marriage alive is doable.

My grandparents have been married over 50 years, my aunt and uncle have been married over 30 years and my parents over 25 years. In today's society 25 years is an eternity. I hate to break it to you, but it really isn't. I know they have all had their struggles, but in the end they have found a way to keep their marriage alive and are all happily married right now.

A friend and i were talking about being married for 50 years and how great it will be to grow old with someone. I look forward to having someone by my side for the rest of my life.

Reflection

I don't know if it is just that time of year or what, but today I read through some of my old blog posts. I am sad to say I am still the same old me. (I may have crossed a few things off my bucket list, but that is about it) I hate to say it, but I am not sure I will ever get better at taking time for me.  The one thing my boyfriend ever gets mad at me for is that I don't do things for myself. He sees me work so much that I really don't have a ton of time for myself. I am not one that usually needs much me time, but I may have gone without it for so long I don't remember what it is like. I have found ways to do things for other people and do things I love at the same time. I am notorious for making Christmas presents and this year was no exception. I finished wrapping them last night at 10pm. I also get to help my friend, who is getting married in June. I do not get to help with that day to day wedding planning, but I have been able to help make signs and other crafts. Miss Molly and I are attempting to read books together. (we tried to start a book club a while back and it didn't turn out to well for us)  I can say that in the past week or so I have started and finished 3 books. I love finding a good book; it has sparked my love for reading again.
I have also been better about going to church. There have been a few weekends that I have been out of town, but that has been the only reason I missed that. I am sad to say that I have been working too much and have not gone to small group. I can tell this has been affecting me.  I so badly desire to have that again and I am looking forward to the start of the new year. The past couple months have been very trying for me and I think the next few will continue to be. I am determined to start reading my bible more and getting back in the word. It seems to help put your life in perspective.
So here is to a new leaf. (I am not about new years resolutions...as you can see I do not hold them up well at all). However, I am not opposed to trying to change, whether it be new years day or any day of the year. I usually try around my birthday because that is my new year. So today is just as good as any other day!

Busy Body

So I know it has been a while.  This summer has been super crazy. I did actually get to take a vacation, which was a total blast.  The family I nanny for took me to Catalina Island.  The kids were awesome and made the trip fun for their mom and me. I have had friends come in and out of town and that has to be my favorite part of the summer thus far.  I had girls weekend this past weekend and it was so nice to get away for a few days and not worry about the million things that I need to get done in 2 seconds.  This upcoming weekend I am off to California for my best friend’s wedding! I am not only excited to get to be a part of their big day and to witness them starting a life together; I also get to spend 3 days with my most dear friends! It isn’t very often we are all together and to have a 2 and 3 night sleep over with them is going to be wonderful!!

 I am feeling very blessed through the all of stress and rain storm that’s been pouring through my life.  I know it will be funny looking back at how much I stressed and worried about all the things that have happened the last week or so. I will spare all the details, but it was just one thing after another.  Praying another thing doesn’t happen today J

What a Weekend

After listening to some most needed advice, I had a fantastic weekend. I actually had a weekend for starters. The kiddos were gone, so I got off work at 3 on Friday! That was a great start. I went home and finished my book, took a nap, then got ready to go out. A group of us went to Mill to celebrate a birthday. I was driving, which is the way I like it. I had so much fun and it was so fun to see my friends have a good time.

Saturday I ran errands with my mom and then went to visit some old pool friends. I miss the pool, but not as bad as I thought I would. I miss the kiddos I got to watch grow up. I got to have a sleepover with Miss Molly! It was very much needed; I missed her.

Sunday I took Molly to breakfast, did a few things around the house; then it was time for Sunday Funday. We hung out by the pool and the boys grilled, got ice-cream and watched a strange movie! It was just so nice to have a weekend. I want to start doing this weekend thing more often. That’s one of my goals, maybe not every weekend, but most. I’m starting to claim my life back.

I did, however, realize that part of the reason I watch the kiddos so much is because my job is not fulfilling me. The kids help fill that gap of doing something you love. But I am only young once and I need to use this time to figure out what is most important in my life.

On a complete side note I always knew I was blessed to have such a great manager at the pool. He and I are super close. I have known him for the last 9 years!!! Super crazy, but he is a huge part of my story. Well not being at the pool this summer makes me sad. I miss him and his effect of making me feel silly when things upset me. He is level-headed, even tempered, fair, has great integrity, and the list could go on. It has been hard on me to not have him around. He is like a second dad to me and I know will always be there for me. It was a blessing and a curse to have him as a manger for 6 years and to know how a leader should lead by example. The curse part is no one really compares to him. I know I will never have a boss exactly like him, but I also know that there are great people out there. I am struggling with where the balance is. I think I hold people to a standard that they will never meet. So I am trying to find the balance and not be unhappy when things aren’t the way I think they should be.

God's Sense of Humor

The other day I was thinking about the backwards ways God has given me things I have desired in my life.  Maybe not the way I thought they would be, but I have definitely been granted a wish I never thought would come true.

The greatest example of this is wanting enough kids to make a baseball team. I know that might sound so ridiculously crazy to most.  I have the GREATEST great aunts and uncles.  There are nine total (aka a baseball team) there are about 25 years separating the youngest and the oldest.  Last summer I got to see all the siblings, but my grandma who is having her own party in Heaven.  To see how close they are and what they would do for each other warms my heart.  I have one brother and we aren't very close. I think I want a whole herd because I love the close knit feeling of being around them. Well guess what I have my own herd.  They might not all be related and none are technically mine even though I sometimes claim them.  I have multiple families who's kids I watch.  When you add them up I am at 10! So I even have an extra.  I had to laugh to myself when I figured out I did get my baseball team.  As badly as I want to have a boatload of children I won't have more than can be provided for. So I like to think of it as God's way of granting this crazy desire.  I would go to the moon and back for any of the kids without thinking twice. I know I am not their mother, but I care for them like family.

I have also always had a desire to marry.  I don't know if that is in God's plans for me.  I know right now it isn't in the near future and that is totally and perfectly fine with me.  In high school I was talking to a guy friend of mine as we were driving down the road.  He said something about the world ending or dying and I said I couldn't because I wanted to be married and have kids.  He jokingly said something about hey lets get married.  He put a ring on my finger and we pretended to be married for the rest of the car ride.  I know it's not super exciting, but it puts me at peace for now.  I know I am not in a place to be married and share my life with someone.  I would love to and hope I get that opportunity, but I know right now I have a lot of self work to do.

I think this is God's sense of humor saying, you get what you want, but it's in my time and terms.  It's such a sweet gift to know he loves and cares for us, but I like to think it is nice to know he isn't serious all the time.  I could be totally off the mark, but this is what I think about my God.

Too Busy Making a Living

Today I stumbled upon this and thought it went really well with my post from earlier this week.  I was also challenged a few weeks ago by my best friend's fiance to go out with everyone on a weekend! He said NO babysitting.  So guess what it's this weekend.  I am kiddo free this weekend, besides going to the movie with a friend and her daughters which totally doesn't count!! I can't wait to share about my FUN and stress free weekend!!!

I also think about the people that I know that work so much and what they miss out on!It frustrates me to no end, until I realized I am one of them but not anymore! This summer is all about change in a good and healthy way!! I don't want to look back and think about all the what ifs!  So here is to the start of many great new things!!!!! And to staying on top of them!!!

Change of Pace

After weeks of a slightly busier schedule followed by a week of pure hectic, my body decided it was done, finished, had enough of me. So no work for me last Friday.  I hate missing work and knew I was missing one of the worst possible days.  I rarely ever get sick, but in 2012 I have been sick more times than I have in the last 10 years combined!!!! It takes so much out of me and to completely recover takes forever.  So why don’t I just rest and not wear myself down.  That is a great question and something I have to keep better track of.  I am still feeling rather pokey and just not quite myself, but I did go to work yesterday and today.  I realize I need to start saying no…not because I don’t want to, but my body might not be able to.  This weekend I had to miss a very important birthday party, which I was super bummer about. I did get to see the birthday girl on her birthday, which was super awesome!

I think God keeps poking me and telling me hey what’s your deal. The problem is the first thing that has been going when I am busy is church.  It is starting to reflect in my life.  I am in a point in my life where I need and desire to go to church.  Thankfully the next two weeks are relatively calm and I can get back to normal.  Woohoo! During these weeks I am going to get my life back on track and on a good schedule.  After that I just need to keep it up.  I want to make time for my friends and things I enjoy.  I am only young once and I want to be able to be selfish and enjoy this time.So here is to starting a fresh and making time for the things most important! (and the dreaded "n word"!! I will learn to say no).